Death

Death is on my mind a lot. In the last few years, we've lost a lot of friends, and some of the icons of my youth are aging and dying. I recently lost my best friend of 15 years, Sneaker, a massive tuxedo cat who was brilliant, cranky, and endlessly loyal. People close to me know what a blow that has been, and people who aren't close to me don't deserve an explanation, even if I could give one.

I'm just worn out on the limits of life, especially the ones that don't need to be there. The debate on health care is draining the last bits of hope I have for my fellow human beings. I have yet to hear anyone start their arguments from the point of view that every person deserves every kind of health care. Instead of starting with, "We need to limit costs, increase competition, get people to choose less expensive options," I'd like to hear someone just say, "A person deserves all the care we have to give, so let's figure out how to give it."

But then, since when have people ever done what's right?

So I'm even more bitter than usual, thinking of how short life is, and how impossibly cruel and greedy people are, that they are willing to make it harder on each other to make a little extra money. If I believed in hell, I would expect it to be full of people from the insurance and medical industry.

The shortness of life, the capriciousness of fate, the horrors of nature, all steal the things that bring us joy fast enough. Now, on top of that, we need to find financial reasons to protect our own and each others' lives as well. After all this time, it's still about the money.

Maybe we deserve how short life is after all.

Motivator

I've really slacked off the writing in the last year. Job stuff, home stuff, and lots of grumpy introspective stuff. Recently, one of my friends pointed out, if you're not careful, you get caught up in the every day stuff, and lose track of what's important. "You know, like you're writing." His words to me.

(sigh)

Ok, so I admit it, I also feel a little moved. And not in my usual, I'd like to cut someone's nuts off way. No, even my deep sense of contempt for my fellow man (and woman, and child), was dented by the election and swearing in of Barak Obama.

The smiles on the faces of my black friends, the hopefulness of a young Muslim friend, the idea that George W. Bush is no longer President. The prospect of my country being worth loving again; not for me, but for others in the world.

Oh, don't get me wrong: there are still the Palin 'Publicans out there, waiting to spew their brainless folksy populism in '12; there's still Fox News, rolling out piles of steaming bullshit; there is the Democratic Congress (the only thing worse than a Republican Congress).

So here's my advice for the new President: put their freakin' balls in a wringer, O.

When Pelosi gets in the way of tax cuts, threaten to put her dirtiest laundry on the air for her constituents to see. When the Republicans block legislation on health care, find sick kids in their districts with no health care and ask on TV if that Senator or Congress person's church offered to pay their medical bills. Shake hands with the Iranians, then remind them: we already have the damn bomb, and they better not forget it.

Call these bastards out, read names on the air, set the American People on them like the pack of rabid pittbulls we are. We're sick of them. All of them. We're sick of them beyond reason.

We're sick of them, and that's why we elected you. God help you, buddy. God help you.

Email Your Congress People

I did. Here's what I had to say:

To my Representative and my Senator,

I am writing to you about two issues. The first is the trouble many of our fellow Americans are in with their mortgages, and the second is the proposed bailout of financial institutions which have mismanaged their own assets.

In regards to the first issue, I would like to offer a suggestion. I think the US government should begin a program for home owners based on the model used for college loans. Create an agency with the power to buy up mortgages and to administer them as we do the student loan program. To be eligible, the individual should be at or below a certain income level, have exhausted the options to refinance with the current lender, and agree to a repayment schedule. The repayment schedule options should be similar to those on student loans: a standard plan, an income-based plan, and some form of extended plan with a deferment for unemployment. In no case would a family be either left homeless, or let off the hook. The interest paid on these loans would be used to offset costs of the program, to extend the program if needed.

This action would do two things: first, it would protect American families who might otherwise lose their homes or be put into great financial difficulty or bankruptcy. That should be our top priority. Second, it would get some of these troubled mortgages off the books of struggling companies, but in a way which is not especially profitable to them. It would inject cash into institutions by paying the principal on the loans, but it would not otherwise cover the interest, fees and other profit makers for the lenders. In short, this would be a fairly neutral swap; the lender gets their money only if the homeowner is helped.

Regarding the second topic: I am completely opposed to spending 700 billion dollars on bailing out financial institutions. If we are going to socialize our economy, we should at least do it by trying to help individuals directly. If we have 700 billion dollars to spend, it should be spent on housing, food, education and other protections for people. It would be grossly unethical to spend that much money to bailout companies who had every reason to see this coming and who accepted the risk, while we say we don't have enough money for programs like education, health care and Social Security. I suggest we let the chips fall for these scoundrels, and use some of that 700 billion dollars to help the folks that are innocent casualties of the mess.

I look forward to your reply.

Fatigue

Well, I've gone and done it. I resorted to doing one of the things I hate the most. (No, not getting up really early. I haven't lost all my marbles!)

I went jogging.

Yes, I broke down and decided to jog in the park near my house. It's a nice park with a 1.4 mile path around it. It's rolling terrain that's almost never flat, dirt and grass, so it's a good workout and a little easier on my knees and feet.

I ran a sadly shuffling 14 minute mile. Actually, I ran a little over two of them, then walked a couple more. It was a very long way from being the guy that outran almost everyone he knew. Ah well, there's still hockey, right?

I've dropped a couple of pounds in the last week and a half, which is a start. The problem is, I'm hungrier than usual, so it's hard to keep calories down. I'm chugging water like it's beer, and beer like it's... water. Or something.

Ok, ok, so actually, I feel pretty good. Sore, but good. My body still adjusts to exercise fast, which makes me feel a little less old, and, once I get to a good balance between size and speed, I hope to step up my game, both literal and metaphorical.

I've also done another thing too long in the waiting: I'm reading the last of my unread Tom Robbins books. It's the one I have two copies of, because he signed a hard copy for me when I met him at a local store. In it, he wished me all the success he wished for himself. It means a lot to me, him being a huge writing hero of mine.

If you're feeling like life is sucking this summer, or if you're just tired of the usual, I recommend picking up "Skinny Legs and All," which I think is Mr. Robbin's finest, or "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates," which is a close second.

Answers

I haven't been bothering to write for a while. I've been tired. Too many unanswered questions in my head, not much focus.

The last few years have mostly sucked. I've watched people I know get really sick, some of them die. I've watched other people I know lose jobs. There's a daily bombardment of stuff in the news that makes it really hard to believe that people aren't just a bunch of animals.

I've been worn down by the usual stuff: Do I still believe in an all powerful, all knowing, loving God? Why do I get out of bed every morning? Why do I bother with the things I do? Is there any reason to try and be a good person? How much importance do I put on what things?

I got some bad news from my doctor a couple weeks ago. Nothing life threatening. They said a couple of blood tests were off a little. Both are things that losing weight would help, and I'm already doing that. It still hit me really hard. Mortality and I are old enemies, and anything that reminds me of it makes me extremely unhappy. I had really wanted to be over 40 (well, really, over 50) before a doctor said there was anything to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dying of the plague here. I'm just a guy that's worked hard, and feels like I haven't gotten the reward for it.

Work has sucked. I've gotten a couple of raises - very good raises - but feedback is rare, and positive feedback rarer. The money is nice, but when you worry about dying a lot (which I do), it's really hard to focus on the job. There's always something that feels more important. All this thought of health and mortality makes it hard to be as obsessive about what I do at work as some people are. We're in the most stressful time of year, and I need to step up my game, and I just don't have any energy.

Ah well. I think I'll call my mom and say HI. Maybe that will make me feel better.

When Zombies Rule

A friend of mine loves zombies. He has a million scenarios that kick off the great zombie apocalypse he swears will end the world; strange environmental contaminations, fallout, rare types of parasites, and a host of inter-dimensional and supernatural horrors.

I was teasing him about this until recently, when I realized that he's right: behind the funny cracks about brain-eating, un-dead mobs reducing the rest of us to huddling for survival in boarded up basements is the truth that the world will soon face destruction at the hands of unthinking monsters driven by a mad desire.

Zombies are motivated by one thing, and only one thing: consumption. The zombie has one purpose in all of its existence, and that is to gorge itself on the brains of others. They consume, and as they do, they turn their victims into insatiable eating machines like themselves. They kill and eat, adding to their numbers, remaking the world until there is no one left to eat.

It would be easy to point out some "head zombies" at this juncture: George Bush, Dick Cheney, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Osama Bin Laden, the Chinese government, and any number of religious leaders.

But the real horror is that most people are signing up to join the zombie hordes. Zombie Bush says it's better to pollute the world, possibly doing permanent harm to the environment we need to live, rather than risk the economy that has paid off for none but the zombie elite, we all know he's trying to eat our brains. What no one wants to address is what it costs the world when most of us make decisions about consumption based on what's cheapest and easiest for us, whether it's Chinese toys at Wall-Mart, disposable bottles of water at the health food store, or mowing your little city lot with a riding mower.

The ugly truth of zombies is that one big zombie is a menace, but not the end of the world. The end of the world is when all the zombies, big, small and otherwise, all shuffle out into the street and consume the world into oblivion.

Enjoy eating each other's brains. I'll be the one busily boarding up my house.

Talk Talk Talk

Gossip is idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

Some people I know are going through some really sucky times right now. They are all part of the same small community, and their lives are heavily enmeshed in the community's life. Their sucky times are the object of a lot of... well, see the title.

When the chips are down, you can always count on one thing. Not help, not love, not empathy. You can always count on people wanting to talk about you, and especially what your drama means to them.

So, these people I spoke of, having a sucky time right now... I think at least some of them are in a lot of pain, and that makes me really sad. I like these people, and I miss their smiles. That's as far as I'm going to let myself go in terms of the relevance to me: I'm sad because I think they're sad, and I hope they are all going to be ok.

So don't worry about what it means to you. Pray for my friends and their families.