Long... Slow... Pain. Part II

So Sunday morning rolled around, and it was time to decide whether or not I was going to the annual meeting at church.

The night before, LullaBelle had been out partying at a church friend's house, celebrating Chinese New Year. She'd had fun (their parties are always fun!), and so was feeling more tied to the church community than ever.

I, as mentioned in Part I, was out with the hockey crew. It was, for me, a pretty meaningful contrast. No one asked what I wanted to volunteer for, and certainly no one asked what sort of donnation I wanted to make. No one said, "I'd feel more comfortable skating with you if you would sign a pledge card." (Although, I did have to sign one of those "If I get my fool self killed, it ain't your fault" forms.)

If it were not for LullaBelle's feelings, I would abandon the church like the sinking ship it is. I feel further from God than at any point when I was not attending church, and that is due, in large part, to the ministers and some of the lay leaders we have.

The Sunday sermon fell flat with me. You can talk all you want about "mutuality," but when your idea of "mutuality" is trying to work me into a position where I have to agree with you and support you, I'm pretty sure you're not interested in "mutual ministry." In fact, I'm pretty sure you're not interested in ministry at all.

The annual meeting was fun, in that way that watching the hideous wreck of a train full of puppies and kittens is fun. First, we argued over the bylaws. As proposed, they would allow a small number of people, mostly under the influence of the minister, to select the candidates for the governing body, and to select a number equal to the number of empty slots on the governing body. Basically, it would be a way of making appointments. Unfortunately, when no one steps forward to run, it's really damn hard to get enough candidates, let alone extras to provide choice. There's no easy solution to that one, and I felt bad for the people that had to field questions on it. The real answer is, "If you get off your lazy asses, this won't be an issue."

The next big thing was the budget. It's in the hole $19K, but that's not really the best of it; we're cutting staffing hours on at least two of our best employees just to get to a $19K deficit. Meanwhile, we've added a youth minister and 3% raises all around. I have a few thoughts on that:

• We shouldn't have hired a youth minister if we didn't have funding locked up. Now that we have him, he's another member of the family to care for, and we shouldn't have taken that obligation on without getting our numbers in line. It's a lot like my complaint over the Catholic Church opposing birth control: you can't responsibly grow the family if you keep adding people and no resources.
  
• I think that when an organization is failing, the leader(s) should be the first one to step up and take a hit. If you are the CEO of a business, whether it's a church or a car company, you should never make your people suffer a hit from your failed leadership. It's embarassing that our minister is calmly collecting a salary that is more than LullaBelle's and mine combined, and that the secretary and kids education leader are taking the big hits.
  
• We're hurting our staff, but we're paying our whole apportionment to the diocese. Guess we know where the minister's priorities lie. He's dedicating large amounts of time to working on diocesan activities that interest him, while his parish is struggling. Anybody else resent being a career stepping stone?
  

There was also some hedging and accusing and unpleasantness over the "why" in "Why don't we have enough money." My good friend the Eye Doc had to field some questions on that, and I felt bad for him. He took some beating that wasn't deserved, in a situation where any answer he gave was going to draw more criticism from someone. You want to know why we have less money?

Here's a clue: People are insulted by the message they hear from the clergy. Too many Sunday sermons that were off the mark, and sometimes off base, have led to some of us concluding that this church doesn't share our values. It's also hard to pay bills with good feelings from sacrificial giving. Some just can't give more. Paying for a new youth minister isn't "doing the Lord's work" in the same way that giving to a local soup kitchen, Habitat or Heffer Project is. Stretching my personal budget to help provide priveledged people with more priveledge isn't some great and holy act, it's the same thing every rich person in WonderBreadVille does: invest in themselves first.

One sermon theme that particularly burned me this year was how we hoard for our future with our retirement accounts and savings, when we should be just giving it all and trusting in God. Funny thing, I don't see more than a fine line between "hoarding" for our future, and making ever increasing expenditures on programs for ourselves.

In hockey, if your team captain isn't the first guy to step up his game when things get tough, you're done. This particular leader is just repeating himself, and so are all his "assistant captains." Instead of trying to find a way to change the game plan, they just keep saying "tithe" or maybe "proportional giving" (another way of sticking a number on things). If trying to define a level of giving turned people off so far, what's going to happen when you start calling folks and repeating it in and even more "in your face" way?

Life would be better if it were all hockey. When our captains don't step up, we rip the C off their chest and give it to someone that is at least trying. That way, everyone knows, all are accountable to the team, and no one person's vision is more important than the team goals.

Long... Slow... Pain. Part I

I waited all weekend for resolutions to any number of things, from the trivial to the moderately important. I never really got them.

I watched two hockey games, one away, one at a neutral site. Both ended in ties. There was good food and good company both nights. Friday night ended with late night Chicago style pizza on campus. I am the youngest guy in the crew that was there, so we didn't exactly fit in. We all agreed we were getting way too old when a group of co-eds in spaghetti strap outfits came in, bra-less and jiggling, and the first thing we all thought was, "I'd never let a child of mine dress like that!"

Saturday's game was at the worst pro hockey arena in North America. Before hand, we went skating in downtown, where I saw more black people on skates than I've seen in my whole life to that point. It was cool to see black children from in the city getting into skating. So many people see hockey as a "white" sport, but there's no reason it needs to stay that way. I hope I'm alive to see what it's like when black Americans start to make an impact on hockey like they have on basketball and football.

We caught dinner at a famous pizaa place, where I opted for lasagna so as not to repeat pizza for a second day. The place was packed with hockey people, and it turned out that two nearby tables both had guys at them that used to play on the team I ran. Two guys were there supporting their college, 2 others their supporting ours. The five of us won multiple league championships together, including back-2-back ones after moving up to a higher level league.

The hockey was good, but it was second to the company, and getting to talk to some of my old mates.

Sunday came, and, frankly, I wasn't sure I was going to bother to attend church and the annual meeting there at. I did, and I'll give some thoughts about that later.

Believe it... or don't.

While I have been hindered by the pain of losing a friend, the annoyance of "playing church," lack of sleep, asthma, and a general state of malaise, I can tell you one almost unbelievable thing which proves that it is still good to be me.

I will now be getting paid to play video games.

Yes, you read and re-read that right. Paid to play video games.

I am rebuilding the computer image for a site my group at work maintains on a University Campus. The purpose of this site is, among other things, to provide some recreation to students. The computers in the site are loaded with games. Lots of games. Once I update the computer image for the site, it is my duty to play the video games, to insure that the upgrade has not had adverse affects.

Or in other words, I can finally say that I get paid to play video games.

I wonder if they'll let me come to work in my pajamas?

Sad News

My friend G died today, just before noon. She was a remarkable person, and if there is a better place to go to, I'm sure she has.

For now, though, we all will miss her. A great light in this world is dimmed by her absence. Prayers for her family and friends, and most especially for F, her husband, would be appreciated.

Don't bother to ask

No one wants to here the answer, including me. In a random order, here's how I am:

My friend G regained consciousness again. She couldn't talk, but could communicate enough to let folks know her wishes. A couple of folks from our group sang to her, and family are visiting. While she was conscious, she gave one more gift to her loved ones; she made the decision to have the artificial respiration turned off. It is more than likely that this will mean the end of her life, and how she got the courage to make the decision, I don't know. I do know that her husband and other loved ones will not have to make the decision while she is unconscious. It's a huge blessing for all, and another reminder of what kind of person we're losing.

My friend J's son is still hospitalized. After appearing to rebound, he worsened again, and his condition is quite serious. J and her husband, D, are trapped in a situation where they have asked us all to pray that their son either gets better quickly, or that if he is going to die, he doesn't have to suffer long. I can't imagine being a parent in that situation, not knowing if you should pray for your child to live, or simply pray for a quick end. I give J & D lots of credit, though; their faith tells them that their son will go to be with Jesus if he dies, and they act like it.

My own breathing still sucks, but I'm recovering. Mainly, I have coughing attacks when I lay down, or when I am extremely stressed. Considering the state of life right now, the first covers most of my sleeping hours, and the second covers most of my waking hours. After a week of only sleeping a few hours a night, my patience is very very thin. I plan to go and have people shoot pucks at me later so I can calm down enough to breath.

I volunteered to be a Convention delegate for my church again, because I had heard that our minister was having a hard time lining someone up, and I like participating. When other avenues didn't pan out, he replied that he was inclined to have me do it, but that it would sit better with him if LullaBelle and I were pledging. He noted that it was especially the case because the church was running a $19K deficit. (Oddly enough, there was no mention of the fact that this deficit was caused by him pushing to make some large changes, while at the same time, alienating a huge number of people, who have left, are leaving, or are simply not giving any more money. Must have slipped his mind...) I haven't decided which nicely worded version of "fuck you!" I plan on sending. The whole reason I stopped pledging was that he kept trying to tie representation and leadership at church to giving.

Work is stressful, but most of the stress is placed there by myself. As my buddy once pointed out, I find it unnacceptable to not be the best at any given thing, and I view everything as competetive. I am pleased to be back at work after my sick days last week, trying to cram things into my head just a little faster than it wants to absorb them. Between work pushing my brain, and hockey pushing my body, I figure it will hold old age at bay just a little bit longer.

Better and worse.

After some gentle nagging by my wife and boss, I have visited a medical professional. Despite my insistence to the contrary, they determined that I am not, in fact, dying. Or, at least not much faster than I ever was. They did, however, determine that I needed to breath through a tube for them, then they gave me a shot, 5 prescriptions, and reminded me of the physical I need to get (which they call something warm and fuzzy, like a "health assessment and maintenance meeting"). I will be going in soon for my least favorite of all things: bloodwork. Ah well, better a little pain now than a lot later.

I have returned to work today, in large part because I am sick of sitting around the house. What's wrong with me isn't contagious, it is, frankly, just that my lungs are defective from growing up in the industrial dump I grew up in, at a time when people didn't know what sort of damage they were doing to themselves and each other by dumping all that crap in the air. (I'd like to have a discussion with Mr. Bush about this sometime. I find his theory that it's worth trading air pollution for "economic benefits to be... troubling.)

But I digress. Frequently...

The return to work has actually been good. Being around my co-workers lifts my mood, even when nothing in particular is going on. My new boss told me that I could come in if I wanted to, but that I didn't have to. I'm glad I elected to. I needed some company. Especially after the bad news regarding my hospitalized friend, G.

G., has lost consciousness. Her husband, F., has called in the family from around the nation. While the doctors are not giving up hope, it sounds like G.'s body, especially her lungs, are hitting their limit. I am still praying for a recovery, but I am also praying that if that's not going to happen, that at the very least, she and her family don't have to ride the rollercoaster too much longer. I don't like to think of her and F. suffering. They've worked way too hard, and they deserve a better ending.

And, I can't help thinking about her lungs, suffering from cancer and now pneumonia, and my lungs, suffering from asthma. Some days, these bodies seem to be rather frustrating, almost useless. Weak contraptions. I alternately feel sorry for my poor lungs, and scold them for being so lame. If they can take the pounding of a hockey game, a mountain bike ride, hard weight training, why can't they take a little cold? Some dust? Damp air? But, then, it's not their fault. They never had a good chance.

I would like to ask G. about this sometime, but there are things she will have to leave undone if she goes soon. I guess that's how it is.

Some days suck

And this was one of them.

As a friend would have said, today sucked ass. Dirty, unwashed, ass.

My friend that is in the hospital (G), is doing better. We are hopeful for improvement, and that is something.

I'm feeling aweful. Got a cold last weekend, thought I had it fought off, then the asthma kicked in. A couple of nights of no sleep, and I'm out on my ass. Lots of people at work and church are sick too (no, I haven't visited with all of them, so it's not me!). It doesn't help that the weather can't decide on 40 and raining or 20 and windy. We got a nice coating of ice on everything last night. Oh joy.

A customer at work bitched about a fix we (really, I) made to something. It was a fix that is specifically made to keep people like her out of trouble, and all she could think of was how inconvenient a reboot in the morning was to her. When we don't take the initiative, we get slammed, and when we do, we get slammed. Once in a while, I wish they would unionize all of the tech people and have us walk out for a few days.

But the really bad news was about my friend's son. He is a physical adult, whose disability makes him mentally more like a child. He suffers frequent seizures, and is on more medication than I realized existed. He has gotten sick, and is suffering a lot of side affects, including an increase in seizures. He is in hospital, and probably will be for a while. His parents are people that are special to me, so those of you praying, please add them and their son to the list.

(sigh) It's getting to be a long list.

Blessings and Regrets to start the new year

This is an expanded version of something posted on a site I write hockey coverage for. In the forum, someone posted his greatest blessings and biggest regrets from the 6 decades he's walked the earth. He challenged others of us to reflect on our time, and what highs and lows we'd had.

Blessings:

• My wife is at the top of my blessings. Her humor, honesty, and the fact that she understands the value of a cold beer and a hockey game, all keep me sane.
• My job. Took a while to find my fit, but I love my job. I keep waiting to find out my boss eats puppies, or my co-workers are secretly holding human sacrifices in the conference room. No job is perfect, but at least I look forward to my days now.
• Our church, and my friends there. Smart, open minded people, including some amazing scientists and scholars, who've gotten me back to church when I thought nothing would, and made me reconsider pushing myself to do more with my life.
  
• My pets. One cat that loves you no matter what, one cranky cat that won't leave my side, and a crazy red dog that wagged her tail through 2 major eye surgeries, to the amazement of her surgeons and doctors. Oh, and two fish that... swim. Hey, it's their thing, I'm cool with that.
  
• Hockey. I've been learned to be a winner, a better loser, a leader, a follower, more confident and more humble, one goal at a time.
• My UM degree. It took loans, two jobs and full time classes for 6 years, but it was worth it. Lots of people made small contributions to it, but most of it was me.
  
• All those friends that helped get me and people I care about through some dark times. It reminds me that there is still a little good in humanity when people that aren't family, and have no obligation to you, step up and help.
• My gay, female, black, Asian, Latin American, and just out-there-and-weird friends. I'm a lot bigger person because you all tolerate my stupid questions and cluelessness. Learning to empathize with people that aren't like me has been a huge boost to my creative and moral life.
• Our families. We don't always like the way each other acts, but both my and LullaBelle's families made contributions big and small to our educations, our house, our wedding, and our ongoing marriage. We wouldn't have gotten here as fast without them.
  

And, of course, some regrets:

• That I didn't appreciate my time in college or use it as well as I now think I could have.
• Knowing I hurt some people on the way to being more mature, and that some days I forget myself and hurt people still.
• All the time I spent in the wrong jobs, or doing jobs poorly, before I found one that makes me want to work hard.
• That a Church is a human institution, and sometimes has the flaws we all have.
• I still have trouble managing my time.
• I've lost most of my "old" friends from high school and college, and some days, I miss them.
• I haven't always exercised much self-control over my spending, and I'll be paying that off for a few more years.
• I don't talk to all my friends and family as often as I'd like to.
• That all problems aren't as easy to solve as a disagreement on the ice is.
• I still hold it against people that they aren't as smart as I am, and I don't do a very good job of teaching them to do better.
• Being lazy about maintenance on my cars and my house. It would be so much easier to prevent a problem than fix it after the fact.
• I still haven't been further west than Minneapolis-St. Paul (which really isn't all that far)
• That I didn't get one more visit to NY with LullaBelle before 9-11-2001 so she could see the original WTC.
  

Here's hoping we all find ways to add more blessings this year, and maybe to mend some regrets.

Update on my sick friend

My friend continues her battle. She became lucid, with thankfully little memory of the 24 hours of horrors that landed her on a respirator and a number of other tubes. The report sounded very positive for a day or so. Unfortunately, she took a turn back for the worse, and was put back on respiration and various supporting technologies.

I can only imagine the pain that this rollercoaster is causing her family. Prayers would be appreciated.

Death

I had a long conversation with some friends about death last night. A friend is in the hospital again, one of many visits she's had to make while fighting cancer. Her condition is serious, and we're all waiting to hear more.

There's a great quote, that I think was from Hemingway, but I can't lay hands on at the moment, that went something like this: "I don't fear death, I just hate it." I relate. I've taken some risks with my life now and then, and I don't think I'd have felt bitter about dying from them. The fact that death gets to sit there on the horizon and wait, taking us for good reasons or bad reasons, or just because of stupid, random chance, is such a cheat, though.

The depressing inevitability of death is something I keep at a nice long arm's reach most days, but then, "All stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you." (that one is definitely Hemingway). I, and lots of others, aren't sure we're ready for the end of our friend's story yet, and that's pretty hard to deal with.

I also worry about her husband. He's also a good friend, and a man I admire very much. "There is no lonelier man in death... than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it." My friend has made his wife's recovery his life's work, largely giving up his other great works. I can see the hurt whenever he talks about her illness, or doesn't talk about it. And there's not one fucking thing I can do, except pray. Not one. And that sucks.

I'm feeling pretty damn bitter about this death thing right now.

What's on at my house...

Not a lot of time to rant these days, but I promised myself I'd try to start writing at least something on weekdays after vacation. So, here's some answers to that perennial question, "Whatcha doin'?"

What's on my screen:

• wonkette.com
• moxiegrrl.com
• gmail.com
• the form to get a cost estimate on conduit installation for a major networking upgrade

What's (new) on my iTunes:

• Liz Phair "Somebody's Miracle"
  
• Sheryl Crow "Wildflower"
• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Symphonies 28, 29, 35 performed by Claudio Abbado and the Berlin Philharmonic
• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Symphonies 40, 41 performed by Carlo Maria Giulini and the Berlin Philharmonic
• the shuffle feature on my iPod; Glenn Miller, Ozzie, Carrie Newcomer, Wes Montgomery, Tchaikovsky, one after another, with no repeats for at least 3 days at a time. Too cool.
  

Current Reading list:

• God Created the Integers
• NRSV Study Bible, and the material for "Christian Believer" course
• Batman, Detective Comics, Black Widow, and the last trades of Transmetropolitan, and 100 Bullets

On my TV:

• hockey
• History
• Cartoon

My (ever growing) list of bitches:

• slack jawed, fat, middle-aged, American women in vans and suv's that drive while on their cell phones, figuring it's not that important to be paying attention
  
• their boyfriends, sons and husbands, with their angry or laughing mugs of stupidity, driving their BMW everywhere at 80mph, talking on the cell phone, figuring that all driving is a race, and they deserve to get one car ahead at any risk to you
• my neighbors who own dogs but don't take very good care of them. Might as well be child abuses from my point of view.
• the Republican party

The funny thing that happened:

• Baboon shows up at my house Saturday, after having tried to call for hours, and very tenetively knocks on the door. He usually just wanders in and out. "Hey dude, come in, what's up?" pause "Uhm, is your phone off the hook?" me: "No." him: "Oh, well, I kept trying to call, and couldn't get you or your answering machine. I wasn't sure if maybe you guys had been murdered in your sleep, or maybe you took the phone off the hook so you could have an all-day marathon." Ah, that explains the careful knocking. -- Sadly, it was just a malfunctioning computer modem.
  

Because I think God makes sense...

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an illogical argument.

I don't think that God is something any of us can really "get," at least not in our current state of existence. That said, I think God makes sense. The only thing that I think surpasses God's great rational and logical-ness, is God's love. The only time God's answers don't make logical sense are when the answer is, "because of love." And who knows, maybe our logic is just too limited to properly incorporate love? And because God makes sense, the Universe makes sense, whether or not we understand all the "rules" that govern it. Since the physical world and the God that created it make sense, I think it would behoove us to make some sense ourselves.

Which leads me to something that is really pissing me off.

A friend of mine recently made an argument against circumcision that was, and remains, rational, logical, sensible. Modern medicine has shown that whatever "benefits" the procedure has are easily equalled or surpassed by better hygene in the modern world. My friend's whole argument was based on reason, logic and medical fact. I was convinced.

And wow, you should hear people scream! You'd have thought my friend suggested sacrificing kittens in a Satanic ritual on the steps of the National Cathedral!

Ok, I thought, stop screaming and tell me your argument in favor of it. I come at this from a relatively neutral point of view: circumcision is a cultural oddity, once considered to have medical benefits, and some people have stuck with it as a tradition. I'm always willing to hear someone's argument.

Except, there hasn't been one. Interestingly enough, people have responded to the whole question one of two ways. Less common are the people that say, "Yeah, can't believe we all thought that was necessary. Times move on, we know better now." More common, however, have been the people that rant and rave about "tradition." They talk about the power of the Bris as a Jewish ceremony (funny aside, none of these folks are actually Jews!), and how the power of God's spirit is clearly present in it. They also talk about the supposed medical benefits, which, really, is kind of silly. Yes, being circumcized was found to reduce the instance of HIV infection in straight men in high risk populations (particularly parts of Africa). Well, ok, why stop there. We could all avoid colds by cutting off our hands, since that's the top way all those germs get to your mouth and nose. Of course, frequent washing would keep all parts of one's self cleaner, and (ooh, here's a shocking idea!), condoms, fidelity, and other responsible sexual conduct would probably make a really huge impact on HIV rates! (I mean, come on, this is sex ed 101 stuff here.)

I don't know about you, but I'd rather wash my... er... hands... than cut them off to prevent illness.

I like a good rant, but I can't stand people that try and pass off illogical feelings as an argument for something. "I feel emotionally attatched to this," is honest. "This has to be respected because this is how it was always done," is stupid. And, frankly, kind of offensive. If we start maintaining institutions based solely on their longevity in our culture, or world culture, we're in a lot of trouble. (Ok, in all fairness, we do and we are, but damnit, we really shouldn't!)

One of the big bitches that Jesus had with the Jews of his own day was that they were putting the details, like tradition and ceremony, ahead of the big picture, like God's basic commandments. Jesus' work wasn't about following tradition, it was about how you treated people. Or, as the Bible puts it, it isn't what goes into your mouth that makes you unlclean, it's what comes out.

So in my best estimation, illogical arguments are a hell of a lot more unclean than anyone's uncircumsized penis is. Maybe we should start trimming some people's lips, before their illogical thoughts have us all cowering superstitiously in caves.

Ok, end of rant...

Random holiday and post holiday notes

Just some random thoughts from vacation, in no particular order:

2 weeks is either too long or too short of a vacation. Not sure which.

Time with the dog is always well spent. Always.

Time with the cat is usually well spent, except when he's being pissy about something.

Time with the other cat doesn't matter. He ignored me and slept under the couch all day until LullaBelle got home. Except when I had food, then he came out to beg, and guilted me into a snack, threw up 3-4 times (all in separate rooms, for my convenience). Then he crawled back under the couch and went back to sleep... Jerk.

2 weeks without NPR and CNN, and yup... The country is still doomed, people still suck, and Bush is still a moron. Nice to know some things are dependable.

Best Christmas present; "God Created the Integers: The Mathematical Breakthroughs That Changed History." A collection of translations into English (where necessary) of the great works of math, plus commentary and explanations of what they mean to our lives, why and how each was a leap forward, etc. Yes, I did math on vacation and it was really cool. Reminds me why I love science and logic.

Worst Christmas present; the weather. It should be 20 degrees and snow, and it's 40 and rain. No snow, no sun, just lots of gray and damp. This sucks.

Interupting vacation for work is pretty ok when it's a meeting with a director and she agrees to fund a project you are working on. It helps that she's pretty cool, and I had a senior colleague with me to make sure I didn't goof.

Family is nice, but stressful.

Christmas eve at church was nice. The sermon was good, and managed not to mention tithing. The church news letter that came out right after the holidays mentioned it front page. *sigh* Reminds me that I still need to sit down and write a letter to the vestry to tell them I'm not pledging this year and why.

The good side is, I'm going to pick some charities to write checks to each month and give the money away to people that need, and probably appreciate, the money more. I'm thinking it will do more good than helping pay to put more pasty white in the Wonder Bread that my church is becoming.

It's sick and wrong, but I'm actually glad to be back and work. Still waiting to find out that my new boss eats puppies and kittens, or that my cool new colleagues hold Satanic sacrifices after ours in the conference room. Unfortuately, I might have to come to terms with liking my job, which is a paradigm shift similar to a Fundamentalist having to admit that evolution is real.

More randomness, and maybe even some organizedness, later...