Fatigue

Well, I've gone and done it. I resorted to doing one of the things I hate the most. (No, not getting up really early. I haven't lost all my marbles!)

I went jogging.

Yes, I broke down and decided to jog in the park near my house. It's a nice park with a 1.4 mile path around it. It's rolling terrain that's almost never flat, dirt and grass, so it's a good workout and a little easier on my knees and feet.

I ran a sadly shuffling 14 minute mile. Actually, I ran a little over two of them, then walked a couple more. It was a very long way from being the guy that outran almost everyone he knew. Ah well, there's still hockey, right?

I've dropped a couple of pounds in the last week and a half, which is a start. The problem is, I'm hungrier than usual, so it's hard to keep calories down. I'm chugging water like it's beer, and beer like it's... water. Or something.

Ok, ok, so actually, I feel pretty good. Sore, but good. My body still adjusts to exercise fast, which makes me feel a little less old, and, once I get to a good balance between size and speed, I hope to step up my game, both literal and metaphorical.

I've also done another thing too long in the waiting: I'm reading the last of my unread Tom Robbins books. It's the one I have two copies of, because he signed a hard copy for me when I met him at a local store. In it, he wished me all the success he wished for himself. It means a lot to me, him being a huge writing hero of mine.

If you're feeling like life is sucking this summer, or if you're just tired of the usual, I recommend picking up "Skinny Legs and All," which I think is Mr. Robbin's finest, or "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates," which is a close second.

Answers

I haven't been bothering to write for a while. I've been tired. Too many unanswered questions in my head, not much focus.

The last few years have mostly sucked. I've watched people I know get really sick, some of them die. I've watched other people I know lose jobs. There's a daily bombardment of stuff in the news that makes it really hard to believe that people aren't just a bunch of animals.

I've been worn down by the usual stuff: Do I still believe in an all powerful, all knowing, loving God? Why do I get out of bed every morning? Why do I bother with the things I do? Is there any reason to try and be a good person? How much importance do I put on what things?

I got some bad news from my doctor a couple weeks ago. Nothing life threatening. They said a couple of blood tests were off a little. Both are things that losing weight would help, and I'm already doing that. It still hit me really hard. Mortality and I are old enemies, and anything that reminds me of it makes me extremely unhappy. I had really wanted to be over 40 (well, really, over 50) before a doctor said there was anything to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dying of the plague here. I'm just a guy that's worked hard, and feels like I haven't gotten the reward for it.

Work has sucked. I've gotten a couple of raises - very good raises - but feedback is rare, and positive feedback rarer. The money is nice, but when you worry about dying a lot (which I do), it's really hard to focus on the job. There's always something that feels more important. All this thought of health and mortality makes it hard to be as obsessive about what I do at work as some people are. We're in the most stressful time of year, and I need to step up my game, and I just don't have any energy.

Ah well. I think I'll call my mom and say HI. Maybe that will make me feel better.