Answers

I haven't been bothering to write for a while. I've been tired. Too many unanswered questions in my head, not much focus.

The last few years have mostly sucked. I've watched people I know get really sick, some of them die. I've watched other people I know lose jobs. There's a daily bombardment of stuff in the news that makes it really hard to believe that people aren't just a bunch of animals.

I've been worn down by the usual stuff: Do I still believe in an all powerful, all knowing, loving God? Why do I get out of bed every morning? Why do I bother with the things I do? Is there any reason to try and be a good person? How much importance do I put on what things?

I got some bad news from my doctor a couple weeks ago. Nothing life threatening. They said a couple of blood tests were off a little. Both are things that losing weight would help, and I'm already doing that. It still hit me really hard. Mortality and I are old enemies, and anything that reminds me of it makes me extremely unhappy. I had really wanted to be over 40 (well, really, over 50) before a doctor said there was anything to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dying of the plague here. I'm just a guy that's worked hard, and feels like I haven't gotten the reward for it.

Work has sucked. I've gotten a couple of raises - very good raises - but feedback is rare, and positive feedback rarer. The money is nice, but when you worry about dying a lot (which I do), it's really hard to focus on the job. There's always something that feels more important. All this thought of health and mortality makes it hard to be as obsessive about what I do at work as some people are. We're in the most stressful time of year, and I need to step up my game, and I just don't have any energy.

Ah well. I think I'll call my mom and say HI. Maybe that will make me feel better.