Random List of Things that Annoy the Shit out of Me

10. "Tot" -- It's either a child or a pet. You pick. "Tot" is a stupid word applied to little brown potato products, and even stupider applied to children. If it's not socially acceptable to use dumb, diminutive words to describe adults, then it shouldn't be ok to do it to children. Start down this road and you'll end up calling your kids "the little shitter" and eventually fighting Social Services to get them back.

9. The "We're Pregnant" Guy -- Unless you're a lesbian couple who both got inseminated, she's pregnant, you're a douche bag. You're not carrying it, and you're sure as hell not birthing it. Until you're the one getting your body turned inside out, suffering back pain, sore breasts, hemorrhoids and possible incontinence, you're just the guy that had a really good time one night, and a while later found yourself stammering "You're what?" You want to distinguish yourself, get a good job and start saving for college tuition, do some extra housework, take your turns sitting up late, and be that guy that makes her say, "No, my husband isn't like that, he's really supportive." The guy saying "we're pregnant" is like when you finish a huge project and your boss tells people "We" did it.

8. Jewelry ads -- Prime offender: a guy is painting his girl's toe nails and the ad says you should by your woman jewelry because you don't want to be "that guy." You mean that guy that touches his wife in a kind manner, attends to her needs in a way reflective of sacrifice of time, and that expresses a willingness to step outside convention and stereotype to make her happy? That guy who decided to spend some time, not just some money? The guy that didn't sink her $5,000 further in debt for something that is not even a little bit useful and was probably produced by some evil fucks exploiting people in an impoverished 3rd world country? Yeah, that guy. The one that gets laid way more often than you.

7. The "reply to all" guy -- Two types of offenders: Type one is the guy that didn't pay attention who will be really embarrassed when he realizes what he did. The worse version of this guy is the one who thinks he has something we all need to hear. "I sent it so that everyone would know who/what/where/when/how." My favorite: an email said to click a link to join a mail list, but instead, people kept send back "join," "subscribe" spamming the list. Mr. Reply Guy decided he would send each one of them a reply and copy the rest of us on the list so that we'd all benefit from his expertise in mail list joining. One problem: you're copying the list, which means that the people you're sending to are already on the fucking list. Already... On... The... LIST! We knew how to join. We also knew how to ignore the people that didn't. The best part? It was a list set up to advertise IT jobs. I hope someone in management was keeping a list of who couldn't follow the "click here" directions. If you can't join a mail list, I don't want you touching my servers.

7. CNN -- Does anyone other than me remember when they reported the news? All I can figure is that their reaction to the horrors of September 11, 2001, and two terms of George Bush was to run and hide their faces in Anna Nicole's cleavage or up Paris Hilton's skirt. Listen folks, I can relate, but couldn't you find something more worthy to spend your time on? Hell, if you're going to hide from the news in Hot Trashy Chick Land, you could at least give us Lindsey Ward or something.

6. People that are obsessed with people who shouldn't even be famous, or at least, shouldn't be famous for that reason -- You assholes are the reason CNN is covering Paris Hilton's crotch or the circus of Anna-Nicole's-baby's-daddy-gate. You, the People Magazine for People Who Can't Read people. It's your fault. Do us all a favor: buy porn, buy snuff films, and leave us our news casts. Your horrible taste for schadenfreude has left me with nothing but NPR and TNYT, and it's making me really bitter.

5. Fox News -- Like CNN for stupid Republicans.

4. People that quote things from Fox News -- Also known as stupid Republicans.

3. "Tough guys" that whine about getting hit -- There are lots of these guys in our hockey league. They think nothing of slashing some guy who has the audacity to be a faster and better skilled player than their sorry ass, but the minute you touch them, they flail and whine. "Whatcha do that for?" Oh, I don't know, maybe because you just sent my buddy out of the game with a closed head injury? If you're going to cheat, at least take your beating like a hockey player.

2. Guys that can't think of a better insult than "fag" -- That's the best you got? To say somebody's gay? First, I've played with people (male and female) that are gay, and most of them are tougher than anyone I've heard yelling "Fag!" Second, I've raised dumb-red-neck baiting to a fine art. I turned to the last guy that kept yelling fag at me and said "I don't really swing that way, but if you want to gimme some head, that's cool." He never got within 10 yards of me again. You gotta try harder than that if you want to offend me. "Fag" doesn't cut it. You really wanna get me mad, try "Karl Rove" or "Rummy." Makes me want to fight just thinking about it.

1. People that try to cover their embarrassment in having voted for George Bush by bringing up how much worse Bill Clinton was. -- Ok, get this: the economy is fucked. Foreign policy and our credibility in the world is fucked. The damn environment is fucked. Even baseball is fucked. Compared to that, Bill Clinton was a solid dude with a quirky hobby involving frumpy girls. And yes, I think you can blame the President for the state of baseball. With all the evidence that he'd fucked everything else up, and the fact that he was previously running a baseball team, I'd say odds are good the baseball scandal is his fault too.