And Another Thing...

While I'm being politically incorrect and making generalizations, let me add two more observations:

First: If you have a small penis, and you're thinking about doing something about it, do me a favor, please don't order Enzite. They're the ones with the add with "Bob" the dork with the grin. Anyone ever notice that "Bob" is married? And plays office Santa at Christmas? And all the women in the office are standing in line to get a "present" while sitting on Santa's lap? In another ad, the guy is sporting so much wood that he's intimidating his friends and neighbors on the golf course and at the neighborhood cookout. The guy is creepy.

Don't get me wrong, if you have a small dick, by all means, enlarge that sucker. Do whatever you feel you need to do. I suggest you get one of those vacuum tube things they advertise in the back of magazines. If nothing else, it makes me laugh to think of a bunch of insecure guys, with sore little dicks, trying to explain what they're doing when their wives walk in and catch them pumping.

Second: Some of my friends have kids I adore. I love kids like I love dogs; well trained, well behaved ones are great. If your dog is a jerk, you keep him leashed, fenced, and maybe even in the house. If he barks, bites, and attacks strangers, you don't let him out. Right? So don't bring your screaming, smelly kid and flop him down next to, or worse, right behind me, at any public anything. I don't want to hear him whine that the Italian restaurant needs to have chicken fingers. I don't want to listen to him shout "you suck!" at OSU fans in that grating little voice of his. Just so you know, your kid with his shirt off at a sporting event, twirling it over his head like a stripper? Yup, you should move to the trailer park and stay there. There's probably some nice, well behaved folks stuck in the trailer park that deserve your beige suburban house and mini-van, not to mention your season tickets.

So if your dog is well behaved, bring him out to the park and let's play. If your kid is well behaved, bring him to a game, I'll help explain the nuances of a proper Canadien butterfly style of goaltending.

But if your kid acts like an asshole, screaming and drawing attention to himself in public, shoving in front of people to show how "cute" he is, screaming incoherent things when others sing, cheer or chant, do us a favor and leash, fence or lock up the little jerk until you get him trained. I suggest you start with some invisible fence and a shock collar and go from there. If you don't start reforming him now, he'll turn out to be the creepy guy in a Santa suit, loaded with Enzite, madly pumping the plastic tube over his sore little dick.