Hang Your Head Down Blues

I'm feeling a really deep tiredness lately. The kind of thing that makes your head hang, your back slouch, your mind slow.

Some of it is that I'm working a lot, and that it's more challenging than it used to be. That's a good thing.

Some of it is just that I'm getting older. It takes me longer to recover from a tough game, a hard ride, or a sleepless night. It's not a good thing, it just is.

But most of it is this: we all only have so much time left, and I don't know if I can spend it how I want. We all live in the shadow of death, and I suppose that we all have to get used to it at some point. What I can't get used to is that each day I spend trying to set my life up for the way I want to live my remaining years, is another day I'm not living that way.

I want to have good relationships with the people in my life, from family, to co-workers, to random people that I meet. I'm also bad at relationships. I'm not a naturally warm and fuzzy person.

I want to be active, and to get in as many games and rides as I can. I also know that each game seems tougher to recover from than the last. My knees hurt a little more, my neck is a little stiffer, I need a little more food, water, and sleep.

My friends and team mates know me as a guy that fights. Literally sometimes on the ice, and metaphorically in life. Right now, though, I don't much feel like fighting. I'm tired of pain, and bruises, and that sadness you get from being in conflict, even when you're in the right.

Yes indeed. I know there are lots of blessings in my life, but right now, I have the blues.