Life on the bike

I rode in to work today, a ride of about 35 minutes, almost all uphill. (That's ok, the ride home is about 20 minutes, almost all down hill.) On the return trip into town, I was thinking, "I'll write about what it's like on the bike." I see and hear all sorts of things as I ride, and at least some of them are interesting. Here's a few observations. Others are coming...

- The most dangerous place to ride is near a school, most especially an elemetary school in the morning. The average soccer mom gets 4 hours of sleep, has 2.5 kids she loves more once they are out of site, and has not had enough coffee to be aware yet (assuming she ever will be) at 8am. She will gladly trade in the traffic laws, and thus your life, to get junior to whatever part of his over-booked schedule she is rushing to while yammering away on her cell phone. I deal with this every time I ride, since I live around the corner from an elementary school. And before anyone complains about the "soccer mom" comment, know this: I assume soccer dads would be just as bad, but I never even see them bothering to drop off their kids in the morning. It's almost all women in mini-vans doing it. But that's another rant.

- Young men in groups in cars are evil and should be banned. They are, collectively, a dangerous combination of immoral, amoral, and idiot. They will fuck with you just because you are that "fag on a bike." They would reconsider if they ever saw the great Lion King, Mario Cipollini, a cyclist who rarely appeared in public without a horde of scantily dressed ladies, who made more per year on a bike than most American men will ever make in their lives. Unfortunately, young American men live by stupid stereotypes and insecurity, and have been taught that mindless aggression is akin to manliness.

- Many other cyclists are idiots, and probably deserve to become hood ornaments. I watch the stupid things other people on bikes do (running stop signs in front of cars, riding on the wrong side of the street, riding down sidewalks that are not bike paths), and I totally understand why many drivers, and lots of pedestrians, hate us. Pedestrians, of course, are also stupid, as evidenced by the fact that they are walking, not biking, but they are better protected by the law then cyclinsts.

- Middle aged men will act very macho while in a car, and will then wet themselves like little kids if a large bike rider follows them and starts a conversation with the magic words, "Hey motherfucker!" as they are getting out of their car. Funny how tough people are when they don't think you can catch them.

- Ok, seriously: No matter how tough you are, unless you're willing to go for the full-on Mad Max, Mac-10 in your saddle bag routine, it really is best to ignore people, try not to get hit, and remember the magic words of my friend, who once said,"Hey, think of it like this: you only have to deal with them for a minute, but they have to live with being an asshole for their whole life." And, besides, you really can find anyone once you have their license plate number.