Strange Relationship

Every morning, as soon as I get to work I check to see what fires are burning in our groups request system, check my email (work mail folder first, then general mail, then my personal mail), check a couple of friend's blogs, and the discussion forum of the page I write hockey for. I usually do all this while eating a bagel, drinking coffee, and sometimes listening to some music.

Some of my online friends are pretty easy and straightforward to get along with. DanO sends me jokes and teases me about my love of ducks. The Kid always wants to know when I can do lunch, or sends me updates on his wife and their new baby. My sister forwards me those funny questionnaires where you fill in personal info like favorite color of car that you saw in your home town when you were 5. Lots of idle chatter, but it distracts from the monotony of the day.

Other online relationships aren't as easy. Some push me to re-think some of my assumptions about other people and life. My friend that is dealing with work issues (or, sometimes, the lack-of-work issues), who points out that at least I have full time employment, even if some days are better than others. My friend that is a lesbian feminist, who writes things on an almost daily basis that make me wonder if we aren't all more alike than I thought. My friend that is a peace activist, who challenges not only my notion of what is just, but of what is practical. Hockey fans that write some pretty, uh, energetic messages about my hockey writing. (I'm still not sure it's safe for me to visit Edmonton, Alberta, but that's another rant.)

It's really odd, trying to manage the "virtual relationships" with people I see in the "real" world. Sometimes I back off from arguing a point because I still want to be friends when I see someone face to face, other times, knowing that person in "real life" gives me the confidence to disagree with them online. In either case, I say, or don't say, what I say, because I care about the person on the other end. (Ok, in all fairness, the guy from Edmonton that called me a "typical stupid American" can go screw - I still think he's an ass.)

I'm not sure this is good for my writing. As Carrie Newcomer said (and this is a bad paraphrase of her more eloquent words), The fear of wondering who will read something, and what they will think or say makes you self-edit. And I do. A lot. I worry about hurting people's feelings, about offending people's sensibilities (or lack thereof), or about sharing just little too much. Aging has had the really bad affect of making me concerned with what other people think of me.

I know more about some of my virtual friends than I do about my "real life" friends. Or maybe I should say, I know exactly everything they want me to know, and that's all they know of me. Sometimes I think people hide things, but sometimes I think they are telling me what's important to them. Maybe more so than people I see in person. It's too bad we can't all define ourselves on our own terms in "real" life...