Patriot Smack, or, I am Not a Terrorist!

Just for the record, I am not a terrorist, I have never attempted to build a weapon of mass destruction, nor have I, nor do I, advocate the overthrow of anything, except maybe top 40 radio... but that's another rant.

I mention this so the government knows that I do not pose a threat. I am a normal, muddled, middle class American, who loves his country, even if he doesn't love its government most days. My general state of malaise doesn't rise to the point of presenting a clear and present danger to anything other than my peace of mind and my friends' patience.

I don't recall everything I've read, bought, listened to, and if I did, I probably couldn't always tell you why. I know that I've read "Day of the Jackal" more than once; own 2 different English translations of the Koran; have friends working on sensitive projects for the government; had other friends that were registered socialists; have surfed web sites for militia types, infectious diseases, and nuclear technology; have been known to listen to Public Enemy and Bad Brains; share a hometown with (that idiot) Michael Moore, and voted for Mrs. Ketchup's Husband instead of the Draft Dodger in the last election. Most damning of all, I read the New York Times and Newsweek, and have a thing for Maureen Dowd.

Of course, I grew up in a more or less Christian household; I played sports, went to college, and got slightly better grades than the President (sorry, George, couldn't resist!); I joined the Episcopal church, got married, and hold down a middle class job; I own about a half-dozen Bibles, covering 3 or 4 versions, and have served on a few committees at my church, which I attend weekly; most of my friends are professors, doctors, or computer systems folks; my wife and I are looking at nicer houses and talking about having kids, so I spend a lot of time reading home improvement and health sites; I listen to a lot of Glenn Miller and Benny Goodman; I've voted for at least as many Republicans as Democrats; I've read almost everything Tom Clancy and John LeCarre have written, and have looked at Anne Coulter's book (well, ok, just the cover), a bunch of times.

The Republicans, urged on by the White House, are trying to renew and expand the Patriot Act. Under it, they could subpoena my library, internet and bookstore records. They would know who I called, and could authorize themselves to listen in. They could enter my home without my permission, or even a judge's ok, and they would never have to tell me. It would be a crime for my doctor to tell me that they secretly pulled my medical records, and whatever I've said to a medical or psychiatric professional would be fair game for FBI agents to go through and use as they please. There would be no judicial oversight of these "investigations," and if I were deemed a threat, I could be held indefinitely, without access to attorney or trial.

So, just for the record, fellas, you can put me in the "eccentric, but harmless" column. I studied Russian history to fulfill a distribution requirement, wondered if Tom Clancy was right, that you could build a bomb with glasses-making equipment, remember almost none of the French or German I studied, and really didn't want to grow up in Flint with (that jerk!) Michael Moore.

I admit, I still think Maureen Dowd is kinda hot, but Anne Coulter looks better in that bondage gear she wears on her book covers... whatever political statement that makes. ;-)