my people

I was talking with some friends a few months back, all 3 of whom were lesbians. We were talking about an upcoming meeting I was supposed to go to, and the fact that it usually turns in to "lets vote on what to do about the gay people." When I said that it must be fun, having your sexuality be the center of debate, one of them said, somewhat bitterly, that she got tired of having to tell people about it, and that maybe the people asking should "go ask their people." I didn't take it as being completely directed at me, but it still stung pretty good. I tried to laugh it off, and pretended to hang my head, sniff, and said "I don't have a people." One of the other friends jumped in and said "Don't worry, we're your people."

But there it is: I don't have a people. I never have.

I've always had friends that were black, white, Christian, Jew, Muslim, foreign born, male, female, gay, straight, bi... well, lots of friends. I never thought that much of it. We use all sorts of off-color language with each other when we're joking, and we use real careful language when we're not. I've been teased about being straight, white, male, Christian, returned the favor; and I've sat with friends while we told each other how much it hurt to get insulted, passed over, beaten up, raped or just ignored because of one of those categories.

The longer I live, the more I realize, I was supposed to pick a group to be in. I was supposed to have "a people." I never did. I still don't.

The old man behind the convenience store counter spoke to me in Arabic. When I cocked my head and looked confused, he said in a thick accent, "Why you not speak your people's language?" Although almost no one thinks that I look like anything other than white, he saw a small percentage of my ancestry, and immediately knew who "my people" were. Just like the white guys do, before they tell me their "cammel jockey" jokes.

Just like some of my gay friends... and black friends... and Jewish friends... and female friends. They see straight, white, Christian, and male. I get identified by all the same traits that they tell me they don't want to be identified by themselves. Then some jerk I don't know will tell me a black/gay/female/Arab/Jew/whatever joke, and remind me that the straight, white, Christian guy club isn't my people either. Never has been. Never will be.

Some day, I hope the world changes. I get sort of lonely, not having a people.