THE DANGERS OF MAPLE SYRUP

The world is a hostile place. It seems like every day, there are a million pitfalls waiting outside my home. Violence, dishonesty, that person on the cell phone that just ran the red light. So imagine my relief, my barely contained elation, when I realized that there are people out there dedicated to fixing this problem. There is a whole group of people, who I employ with my tax dollars, whose job is to make sure that the next generation of adult Americans is better prepared to make this a happier, safer, more responsible world.

The new leader of this group of mindful public servants immediately singled out television as one of the worst culprits in purveying depravity to young people. She quickly identified that young minds are seduced by color, pageantry, and then easily misled into miscreance. Her action was sure, swift, and put a decisive end to a dangerous broadcast before it could happen, stifling all but the most dedicated of the siren voices infiltrating public airwaves.

So I say, thank God my children will not be exposed to the horrors of a lesbian couple farming maple sugar in Vermont!

Ok, so I don’t really have children, but some of you do, which means I sort of do too, if I might be so bold as to assume that I am part of your “village.” I am relieved beyond words to know that we will not use the public broadcasting system to encourage tolerance, let alone acceptance, of lesbian maple sugar farmers, and the heathen syrup industry of Vermont, or the cartoon bunnies that visit them.

Our children have much better programming, which the federal government has so rightfully deemed appropriate for family viewing. For example, who doesn’t love professional wrestling? There is no finer celebration of human dignity than to watch a pair of freakishly muscled men beat one another viciously with fists, chairs and other random objects, while excited women in string bikinis cheer them on. After all, our young men must learn how to behave appropriately toward one another, and our young women must understand how much we value them. Wrestling provides safe, imitateable, entertainment.

Since wrestling is often short on dialogue, I would also recommend that families take in an Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mel Gibson film. Such high minded entertainment helps our youth to understand that it’s not guns that kill people, it’s the cleverly phrased or ironic quips we utter before pulling the trigger. Indeed, a good sense of humor makes even the worst catastrophes of life bearable, and there is no better source of humor than the dismemberment or mutilation of the human form, made in God’s image. After all, if you can’t laugh at your enemy’s death, what can you laugh at?

So I ask you to all join me in a moment of thanks for our federal officials. In a world full of lesbian maple sugar farmers, it is a comfort to know that our children will be taught wrong from right. I shudder to think what would happen if our children were to imitate a cartoon bunny.